The O'Ruddy: A Romance Read online

  CHAPTER X

  And now I found out what it was to be a famous swordsman. All that daythe inn seemed to hum with my name. I could not step down a corridorwithout seeing flocks of servants taking wing. They fled tumultuously.A silly maid coming from a chamber with a bucket saw me and shrieked.She dropped her bucket and fled back into the chamber. A man-servantsaw me, gave a low moan of terror, and leaped down a convenientstairway. All attendants scuttled aside.

  What was the matter with me? Had I grown in stature or developed aferocious ugliness? No; I now was a famous swordsman. That was all. Inow was expected to try to grab the maids and kiss them wantonly. Inow was expected to clout the grooms on their ears if they so much asshowed themselves in my sight. In fact, I was now a great blustering,overpowering, preposterous ass.

  There was a crowd of people in the coffee-room, but the buzz of talksuddenly ceased as I entered.

  "Is this your chair, sir?" said I civilly to a gentleman.

  He stepped away from the chair as if it had tried to bite him.

  "'Tis at your service, sir!" he cried hastily.

  "No," said I, "I would not be taking it if it be yours, for there arejust as good chairs in the sea as ever were caught, and it would illbecome me to deprive a gentleman of his chair when by exercising alittle energy I can gain one for myself, although I am willing toadmit that I have a slight hunger upon me. 'Tis a fine morning, sir."

  He had turned pale and was edging toward the door. "'Tis at yourservice, sir," he repeated in a low and frightened voice. All thepeople were staring at us.

  "No, good sir," I remonstrated, stepping forward to explain. "I wouldnot be having you think that I am unable to get a chair for myself,since I am above everything able and swift with my hands, and it is asmall thing to get a chair for one's self and not deprive a worthygentleman of his own."

  "I did not think to deprive you, sir," he ejaculated desperately. "Thechair is at your service, sir!"

  "Plague the man!" I cried, stamping my foot impatiently; and at thestamping of my foot a waiter let fall a dish, some women screamed,three or four people disappeared through the door, and a venerablegentleman arose from his seat in a corner and in a tremulous voicesaid:

  "Sir, let us pray you that there be no bloodshed."

  "You are an old fool," said I to him. "How could there be bloodshedwith me here merely despising you all for not knowing what I mean whenI say it."

  "We know you mean what you say, sir," responded the old gentleman."Pray God you mean peaceably!"

  "Hoity-toity!" shouted a loud voice, and I saw a great, tall, uglywoman bearing down upon me from the doorway. "Out of my way," shethundered at a waiter. The man gasped out: "Yes, your ladyship!"

  I was face to face with the mother of my lovely Mary.

  "Hoity-toity!" she shouted at me again. "A brawler, eh? A livelyswordster, hey? A real damn-my-eyes swaggering bully!"

  Then she charged upon me. "How dare you brawl with these inoffensivepeople under the same roof which shelters me, fellow? By my word, Iwould have pleasure to give you a box on the ear!"

  "Madam," I protested hurriedly. But I saw the futility of it. Withoutdevoting further time to an appeal, I turned and fled. I dodged behindthree chairs and moved them hastily into a rampart.

  "Madam," I cried, feeling that I could parley from my new position,"you labour under a misapprehension."

  "Misapprehend me no misapprehensions," she retorted hotly. "How dareyou say that I can misapprehend anything, wretch?"

  She attacked each flank in turn, but so agile was I that I escapedcapture, although my position in regard to the chairs was twicereversed. We performed a series of nimble manoeuvres which werecharacterized on my part by a high degree of strategy. But I found therampart of chairs an untenable place. I was again obliged hurriedly toretreat, this time taking up a position behind a large table.

  "Madam," I said desperately, "believe me, you are suffering under agrave misapprehension."

  "Again he talks of misapprehension!"

  We revolved once swiftly around the table; she stopped, panting.

  "And this is the blusterer! And why do you not stand your ground,coward?"

  "Madam," said I with more coolness now that I saw she would soon belosing her wind, "I would esteem it very ungallant behaviour if Iendured your attack for even a brief moment. My forefathers form abrave race which always runs away from the ladies."

  After this speech we revolved twice around the table. I must in allcandour say that the Countess used language which would not at allsuit the pages of my true and virtuous chronicle; but indeed it was noworse than I often heard afterward from the great ladies of the time.However, the talk was not always addressed to me, thank the Saints!

  After we had made the two revolutions, I spoke reasonably. "Madam,"said I, "if we go spinning about the table in this fashion for anylength of time, these gawking spectators will think we are a pair ofwheels."

  "Spectators!" she cried, lifting her old head high. She beheld aboutseventy-five interested people. She called out loudly to them:

  "And is there no gentleman among you all to draw his sword and beat methis rascal from the inn?"

  Nobody moved.

  "Madam," said I, still reasonable, "would it not be better to avoid apossible scandal by discontinuing these movements, as the tongues ofmen are not always fair, and it might be said by some--"

  Whereupon we revolved twice more around the table.

  When the old pelican stopped, she had only enough breath left toimpartially abuse all the sight-seers. As her eye fixed upon them,The O'Ruddy, illustrious fighting-man, saw his chance and bolted likea hare. The escape must have formed a great spectacle, but I had notime for appearances. As I was passing out of the door, the Countess,in her disappointed rage, threw a heavy ivory fan after me, whichstruck an innocent bystander in the eye, for which he apologized.